Did you know that over 90% of communication is non-verbal? It is crazy to think that our words only account for less than 10% of what we say and mean. I think about when I’m driving the car on a long road trip, and my son and daughter are in the backseat fighting. If I tell my son to apologize to his sister, he does – but in words only. I know he doesn’t really mean it. How do I know? His tone of voice, his body language – they both tell a different story. It’s amazing how much better you will be able to communicate when you learn to really pay attention and “read between the lines” by reading their body language and tone of voice.
Part of the reason I wanted to share that with you is so that you can be aware – when trying to move from the friend zone to the dating world, you will have your eyes and ears open. Always be looking for signs from your friend and non-verbal communication from them. Chances are, if you feel this way, you are giving some non-verbal signs to your friend too.
Another good tool for communication is to let the other person think it is their idea. This works in all kinds of situations. At work, I have a board of five men I report to. When I want to do something different, or change from status quo, I like to go to them individually and ask each one what they think we could do better, or how they think we should move forward. I tie their answer into my new proposal, and let them believe it is their idea. I do the same thing with my family, my friends and so forth. To me, it doesn’t matter who gets the credit as long as the right thing is being done. If you can live by this motto – your life will get a lot better.
So, if I’m in the “friend zone” and wanting to transition into the dating zone – I want the person I’m friends with to ultimately think it was their idea. So, I want to ask questions that will give me opportunities to direct the conversation in the direction I want it to go. (Before I go any further here, I want to remind you that timing and location are also VERY important. Do NOT have a conversation like this at the lunch table with 40 of your peers around – they may derail your conversation. Instead, you set this up by picking a time and place where the two of you can be alone and in a crowd – like at Starbucks.) In the course of conversation ask questions that get them to talking about what you want to talk about. Ask them things like, “Have you ever considered our relationship to be more than friends?” If they respond with a negative response, you can agree to it, in principle, but still state your case. So, they might say, “Ooooh, gross! That would be like me dating my brother!” I might respond with, “Yeah, there is some truth to that. I was just thinking of the security of dating someone like your best friend and knowing that you can trust them! Not sure what made me think of that, just wanted to know what you thought about it.” Now, they may not change their mind right away, or ever, but you have set the stage for more conversations.
If they agree with you, “Yeah! I have thought about that a time or two!” Then you can respond with, “I like the way you are thinking. Do you think we should try this out?” (Again, you are letting it be their idea.)
I hope this helps, not just in your moving from the friend zone to the dating zone, but in all areas of your life: with your friends, parents, co-workers, and so forth. Learning to spread the wealth and share the blame will make you a very popular person!
Greg Spink, CI Team Member
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